Gender Shaped Friendship – Why Modern Education Often Gets It Wrong

Following 20 years of teaching across several countries, one of the clearest patterns I’ve observed is captured by an old, slightly cheeky saying:

“Boys bond by insulting each other but don’t really mean it. Girls bond by complimenting each other… and often don’t really mean it either.”

While a generalization, this contains more than a grain of truth and is backed by developmental psychology.  It's no secret that boys' academic performance accross schools and universities has been declining in most of the G7 for three decades. This is largely due to the feminization of education (girls have been steadily improving and now outperform boys). The bigger problem is that modern schools often unintentionally stifle natural male bonding while overlooking subtler forms of female relational aggression.

Male Friendship: Banter as Belonging

For boys, playful teasing is a fast way to signal “you’re one of us.” A missed penalty or a bad haircut triggers a chorus of roasts. The target laughs and fires back, strengthening the group. Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that reciprocal teasing among boys correlates with higher trust and stronger group cohesion.

Yet, zero-tolerance policies frequently capture this harmless banter. A meta-analysis in School Psychology Review found that overly broad anti-bullying rules can increase social anxiety in boys by removing the very tools—humour and mock competition—they use to build friendship. Many boys learn the safest option is to say nothing at all.

The Disappearing Art of Rough-Housing

Rough-and-tumble play is another casualty. Neuroscientists have shown that this vigorous, reciprocal physical play is essential for male brain development across species, regulating emotions and teaching impulse control.

However, most schools now have explicit “no rough play” policies. A 2021 study in the Journal of School Health found that 68% of primary and middle schools in the UK, US, Canada, and Australia enforce them. The result? Boys who need this outlet are left fidgeting. Schools that rightly ban violence have accidentally banned one of the most ancient forms of male social bonding.

Female Friendship: The Hidden Hierarchy

Girls’ social worlds often run on shared stories and lavish public compliments. But privately, the tone can shift. Psychologists call this relational aggression: exclusion, reputation damage, and sarcastic “compliments.” An APA review (2022) found this peaks between ages 11–15 and is linked to anxiety and depression.

The difficulty is its invisibility. A shove triggers an incident report; an omitted party invitation does not. Teachers, who are predominantly female, are often excellent at reading emotional nuance but can miss when "niceness" masks social maneuvering.

A Balanced Way Forward

We don’t need to abandon anti-bullying policies, but we do need smarter, gender-informed ones:

• Ask two questions before intervening: “Is it reciprocal?” and “Is anyone actually upset?” If yes and no, it’s likely healthy banter.

• Teach about relational aggression the same way we teach about physical bullying.

• Protect spaces like sports and supervised rough play where boys can use their natural social language.

• Recruit more male teachers as role models who intuitively understand banter.

• Run mixed-gender workshops on digital kindness to help everyone spot both overt and covert harm.

Friendship is a vital protective factor. When schools understand—rather than pathologize—the different ways boys and girls build it, every student gets to belong.

A school that can tell the difference between healthy teasing and malicious intent, and between a sincere compliment and an insincere one, is a school where real friendship can flourish.

— Experienced teacher and contributor